Rambling thoughts

Not starting out to be a good day. Sweetums had insulin problems during the night, and was up until after 7 trying to just feel better. He's totally lethargic now, poor thing. Radish had to work this morning and total creep that I am, I asked sweetums to take him. I just can't stand being around him right now. He brings out the worst in me, it's horrible. I think I need a Nancy Thomas refresher, I need something to refresh me.

I'm really, really, really getting frustrated with DS's biomom making plans with him, not mentioning it to us, and hearing "oh by the way, I'm going with my mom today." She never used to do this, and I'm getting the feeling it's a subtle manipulation (or not so subtle) since we no longer have a 'friendship' with her.

I used to think all adoptions were just fuzzy feel good types of things. There is so much more pain involved than that, on both sides. We are not called mom or day. At times, I don't feel like his mom; at other times it wells up in me and I'd do anything to keep him safe. The worst part is, she's always been the biggest source of pain in his life. The truth is, without our willingness to learn how to parent him the way he needs, DS would on a very dangerous road. She refuses to give us credit for that. I doubt she has the ability.

I'm curious what the response will be at his graduation from high school. He'll have senior pictures, a cap/gown, invitations, etc. I wonder how she'll react to our families (well, sweetums, I know mine won't show up) and hers intermingling. I don't begrudge her inability to provide material things for her daughter...I'm curious as a bystnader to part of this what her thoughts/feelings will be. I'm curious to her reaction when his name is called during the ceremony, with our name in it too.

I doubt she realizes the pain that we've gone through. Not only are we not mom/dad, we didn't even get to name him, we just have our name added. Some days these are really sour grapes for me. Most days though I just marvel at how far we've managed to come with him. If nothing else, it has soldified my feelings that I never, ever want to do a domestic adoption. I'm not even sure if I'd want to adopt from foster care again. The Dave Thomas Foundation can argue the merits all they want, but most SW don't adequately prepare parents for the task--nor are they honest in domestic adoptions either. The play down the biofamily's turmoil, as if a few sessions of 'counseling' will make everything okay. Most adoptive parents I've talked to say it's not the happy joy-joy occasion they had hoped for. It's actually a heartwrenching day full of fear--will they, after years of IF and lost babies, lose yet another one? So...if we do adopt again, it'll be international. I know those mothers grieve their lost children just as much, but hypocrite that I am, won't have to deal with it in my face.