The boys really are unbelievable. They've been complaining about their change being stolen, and yet they have no problem going through our personal stuff and stealing OUR change, to the tune of close to $100 or more (estimate) over the past year. Meanwhile, with gas at over $3/gallon, I haven't been charging them for rides to and from work.

If I would have left my parents' house in the middle of the night I would have been in trouble, although honestly I don't think they would have done anything. I called the police to go and find them, which really was much harder to do than I anticipated. The fact that Rich lied to us about being with P, this makes me wary about letting him try and get his temps. before he takes the class. As much as I want him to get license as soon as possible for my own convenience 9and cost savings) I really don't think he's ready for the responsibility. Truth be told, I'm hurt that he lied and he's lost some trust.

I love the new lock we put on the closet though--I wish we would have done it last year when we were originally thinking about it.

Tomorrow is part three of my Emily Program evaluation. I'm excited and nervous all at the same time. Once I logged my food, I was surprised to find out how much less I actually ate than I thought I did. I'm also excited to get weighed again tomorrow. Even though I wanted DH to take the scale away, I miss it. I don't think I could have stopped weighing myself 10 times a day on my own. DH doesn't think we have somewhat of a "co dependant (I hate that word) relationship" when it comes to food, but I see it. He has has own issues with food that he has yet to face but I doubt he will.

Face the Facts

I input all of my food from my two day binge into Fitday and found that my imagination was worse than reality. The real problem is the way binging makes me feel, both physically and emotionally. I beat myself up the whole time I'm eating--and can imagine that I'm eating 4-5,000 calories. The reality was that it was less than 3,000. I used the Pizza Hut and Red Lobster site to get accurate information.

Question of the day: Since binging makes me feel both physically and emotionally sick, but yet binging/eating too much soothes something inside of me....what piece of this am I missing? Is there something ELSE I'm still beating myself up about but won't acknowledge?

24 Hour Binge

For the past 24 hours, I went on a binge. After feeling ike complete and total crap physically, I think I might have pinpointed what happened. Friday, DH and I had a date night planned. My MIL came and stayed with the boys, and we took off for a night away. We checked into our hotel, and I realized I hadn't had anything to eat since breakfast. DH wanted to go to Red Lobster. When we got there, I even told him "I'm feeling a little bingey". Why? I think was habit. In the past, I've often "min/maxed" my weight watchers points for a little more freedom when we'd go out to eat. So that was my mentality. There was a strange sense of "freedom", as if I'd given myself permission to cheat.
I now realize that I'm still fighting diet mentality. After dinner, we went to a movie, then went back to the hotel where we ordered a pizza. The idea was that it would be our post sex snack. I ended up eating a piece before the lovin' just because it was there.
Today was our twice a month Chinese take out night, and I did okay, but I really wasnt' hungry. I eat just because I didn't want to get too hungry and continue the binge mentality. Physically, I'm feeling pretty yucky yet, although I did get outside and mowed the lawn. I just needed to move around.
I am going to log all of this in Fitday, it's just information, and that is a victory. In my weight watchers days I'd avoid logging my binges. I never wanted that staring me in the face.

I'm back

I had trouble for a while remembering that my thoughts and feelings were valid, and avoided coming here out of embarrassment. Seeing my own thoughts and feelings reflected was hurtful. In the process, I also missed some valuable feedback, how sad for me! Since last summer, I've made huge strides in processing my anger, letting go of those things that were hurting me, expressing my feelings in real life in a much healthier way, and *GULP* facing my eating disorder. I'm a binge/compulsive eater, also classified as "ED, NOS". Eating disorder not otherwise classified.

That's me, that's who I am, that's who I've become.

I'm seeking treatment through the Emily Program, and it's been a relief. The first few times I went their I was sure everyone in the building knew why I was there. I felt like there was a giant sign on my back that said "This chick needs help". However, I found the atmosphere welcoming and non-judgemental. As usual, the judgements were all my own.