Speaking of drama mamas, DS has been a class act in this regard. I'm sick and tired of it. Teenagers are so hard, if I was this hard on my parents I owe them a huge apology. In addition to being unemployed, he's now decided he's too good for the golden arches. Even though he's mom worked there, he's decided it's just not for him. He can't handle the thought of it now that has had a "real" job. Oh yeah, the one he got fired from. It amazes me the lack of cause and effect thinking. Couldn't do the work = fired. They called him back and offered him a lesser position but pride prevented him from taking it. He's hoping to get a job through his non-dating girlfriend. Despite the fact that McDonald's hired him, he's just not willing to work for minimum wage now.
In addition to his workplace snobbery, he's decided that DH and I are "ruining his life" for doing foster care. He had a huge fight this week with one of the boys, after trying to kick another kid out of the house. I really don't care about the other kid getting kicked out by DS, I do care about the fight AND getting blamed for his inability to get along with others. DS's problems with peer relationships, and his lack of tolerance for anyone who doesn't have the exact same opinions, likes, and dislikes as him is becoming an obvious life obstacle for him.
He's claiming depression, perhaps that's true too but he's using it as a crutch. In otherwords, medication, therapy, and/or talking to DH or myself is not an option for him. He will open up to us occasionally, but not enough to make an impact on depression issues. This quarter his grades will be fine, by Christmas they'll take a nose dive and he'll blame seasonal depression as the reason why.
I haven't noticed, but I should talk to beloved and see if we've had these sort of problems around his birthday before. I'm just wondering if there is grief/loss that's triggered by his birthday each year. Totally normal, but he's got to learn to process it in a healthy way. All I'm able to offer is irritation at an unjustified attack. He has the skills and tools to do better--but it's more work, therefore unlikely to be used unless pushed to do so.
Saturday, September 29, 2007
inventory
Today's food totals, in backwards order:
- 4 pieces of cheese pizza, from a large pie
- 2 large pieces of german chocolate cake
- 1 'double' cosmo
- 1/2 ham & cheese sand.
- 1 latte
- 1 handful of pretzels
- 1/2 cup of coffee with cream
- 1 egg
- 1 piece of buttered toast
- 1 sausage patty
- 1 cup of hashbrowns
I have no perspective on the amounts...too much? Probably calorically. Too much volume. Maybe a little bit, but this damn headache has me trying anything I can to ignore it. Aspirin, tylenol, and alcohol...also my neck warmer. It felt good, but it didn't get rid of it 100% of the way.
This week starts the 6th week of classes. I'm almost 1/2 way done with the semester. It's getting easier. The demands/volume of work is still there, but the actual time spent studying is less. School is pretty darn easy for me. I've been keeping track of Big Fat Liar, she missed clincals on Friday. So far, since school has started, she's had her classes cancelled, her financial aid messed up, her son's surgery, her dh's surgery, is recovering from her own surgery, missed a day of LTC clinicals, was late 3 times (at least), her DH had shingles (supposedly in his eye also), he was out of town too, and this created huge problems for her own daycare situation.
Speaking as someone whose life is almost always chaotic, I really don't believer her. She is a major drama mama and constantly looking for attention. Several pat answers do tend to stem the emesis as it flows from her mouth:
-Gee, are you going to die on us today?
-Do we need to send a priest to your house for last rites?
-Gosh, whenever I get overwhelmed with all the chaos in my life, all I have to do is think about yours and I feel better.
Perhaps that last one feeds the monster a little, but it IS a jab at her lying and drama mama act. She's fat too.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
School is pissing me off. Not my school, the high school. The 18 year old has a lit test tomorrow. He HAS to have computer access to study for this test. Bravo to the teacher for joining the 21st century but it’s making my life a living hell. The 18 year old wants to use my computer to study. Never mind that he had access to the ‘puter at school for an hour after school, or that the ‘puter and the library is available. He’s trying to tell me that the studying will take longer, therefore, he’ll get kicked off the library ‘puter. Right now he’s playing football. So he can use my computer later tonight. I don’t think so. I printed the powerpoint slides, not looking at how many there were before I started. 106. I didn’t set it to print multiple slides per page, or in notes form with multiple slides per page. Nope, dummy that I am, I just hit print even though I never, ever do that for my own stuff. 106 pages down the freakin’ drain used for virtually no reason because I know damn well he’s not going to study. He never does.
The RADish is having a fit. I think he’s ready to shit a kitten out, he’s that ticked off. I grounded him because he has an F in language. It looks like he didn’t get credit for an assignment, but I don’t know why, how, or when he actually did the assignment he showed me. Therefore, until then, he’s grounded. I’ve been burned on the following “it’s not my fault I’m flunking” with the following excuses:
-The scores are figured from the total for the quarter, so EVERYONE is flunking at this point (never did buy this one)
-The teacher forgot to give me credit. It’s not fair
-The teacher lost it. It’s not fair
-That worksheet is in, she just didn’t record the grades yet (yeah, that’s why it’s in the gradebook as a zero…hmmm) It’s not fair
-I dropped the other class and picked this one up, so I didn’t do those first 4 assignments. It’s not fair.
-The teacher screwed it up because she told us to put in the red folder and it was supposed to be the blue folder so none of us got credit. It’s not fair.
-It’s not my fault. That other kid was copying my homework and I forgot to get it back from him to hand it in. He was going to hand it in for me. We weren’t cheating though, it’s not fair or my fault.
-They don’t like me. (but it’s not because I cussed them out, wrote threats on the bathroom wall or stole lots of money from three of my classmates. Or even because I text in class or spit every chance I get) It’s not fair.
-The teacher’s got something against me. He/She is really hard on foster kids. It’s not fair.
Speaking of not fair, the RADish washed his phone for the second time in less than a year. I find this hysterically funny. I think that makes me a cruel person but oh well. I can live with that. He also thinks the new kitten is “really cool”. Unlike many RADishes, he’s not cruel to animals. Annoying to animals, yes, but not cruel. I think the kitten situation was something like this:
-The kittens ran away from home because her mother was abusive. The mother is single, you see, and has quite the reputation for being a whore (that’s what I heard, apparently some cats are real whores). So the kitten ran away. The mother would only feed her milk, and had a real issue with her going to the wrong side of the gutter in the barn, where all the cool cats hung out. So she just took off. Luckily, she managed to find my boys and bummed a cigarette off of them. They bonded over that cigarette (and a little tuna) and the kitten was able to tell the RADish “man, my mom is so mean…” and from there her reputation as being a cool cat was set. The kitten does have a couple of serious issues. Perhaps sensory integration problems due to her rough upbringing and early life on the streets. She likes to bit noses, and can scale a pair of pants, while on the wearer, in about 3 seconds flat. Come to think of it, her time on bare legs is just as fast. She has a serious junk food addition. Good thing I already banned Hot Pockets and Pizza Rolls! Like an infant, she has her days and nights mixed up. I recall a similar situation with our firstborn furbaby, and have actively worked on changing this situation this afternoon. Sleeping kittens at night will not bite my nose, fingers, or toes. This is a good thing.
Food has been an issue for me too. I think that’s why I haven’t been writing as much. I’m frustrated, conflicted, angry, and sad all rolled into one. I got the eating disorder is a disease lecture, complete with comparison to alcoholism this week. She didn’t want to buy my story that I’m responsible for what I put in my mouth, not some alter ego known was Eating Disorder. If indeed, I’m not responsible for this behavior, but rather it’s my eating disorder, I then clearly have an alien in my body that needs to be evicted. That she liked. I still don’t think that’s an admission…I don’t like the idea that I didn’t cause this to happen. I think it developed as a pattern of behavior to a situation I didn’t know how to otherwise handle. I see the program and the therapy as a way of recovering—not of being “in recovery”. I don’t like the idea that I’ll always be in recovery. Unlike alcohol, I’m always going to need food to survive. We use it to nourish, to celebrate, and at times as a reward. I add in coping and comforting as well. I want to get rid of that part…
The sub-culture of the program bothers me. While I can see that it’s helpful to know that I’m not alone—and I do—I don’t think it’s healthy to have one’s world revolve around the recovery program. It’s not healthy to have my life revolve around food, obsessive food thoughts, and binging/compulsively eating either. But will I have really reached a healthy point if I rely on therpists, nutritionists, and a support group for the rest of my life? This is something that’s bothered me from the beginning. Some of the group members have been attending for 5 years of more. Perhaps that’s their limitation, but some of the conversations that revolve around this give me the willies. “Oh, I used to see that therapist, she’s great, but that was while I was still take this other med for anxiety. Then I saw this other therapist but I had to go on MA and she didn’t take MA. Um, no thank you. I want to be done at some point, have the skills and tools to cope ON MY OWN or with support from loved ones, not a paid professional. Right now, the paid professional is the tool and I’m fine with that. I’m not fine with it being that way forever. My therapy goals are to reduce binging, the compulsive thoughts surrounding food, and deal with the body distortion issues. Also, to develop new coping skills to replace eating as a coping skill. And MY goal, which is not part of this program, is to lose weight. They won’t let me have that as an official goal. As long as I don't quit, I'm doing okay, right?
The RADish is having a fit. I think he’s ready to shit a kitten out, he’s that ticked off. I grounded him because he has an F in language. It looks like he didn’t get credit for an assignment, but I don’t know why, how, or when he actually did the assignment he showed me. Therefore, until then, he’s grounded. I’ve been burned on the following “it’s not my fault I’m flunking” with the following excuses:
-The scores are figured from the total for the quarter, so EVERYONE is flunking at this point (never did buy this one)
-The teacher forgot to give me credit. It’s not fair
-The teacher lost it. It’s not fair
-That worksheet is in, she just didn’t record the grades yet (yeah, that’s why it’s in the gradebook as a zero…hmmm) It’s not fair
-I dropped the other class and picked this one up, so I didn’t do those first 4 assignments. It’s not fair.
-The teacher screwed it up because she told us to put in the red folder and it was supposed to be the blue folder so none of us got credit. It’s not fair.
-It’s not my fault. That other kid was copying my homework and I forgot to get it back from him to hand it in. He was going to hand it in for me. We weren’t cheating though, it’s not fair or my fault.
-They don’t like me. (but it’s not because I cussed them out, wrote threats on the bathroom wall or stole lots of money from three of my classmates. Or even because I text in class or spit every chance I get) It’s not fair.
-The teacher’s got something against me. He/She is really hard on foster kids. It’s not fair.
Speaking of not fair, the RADish washed his phone for the second time in less than a year. I find this hysterically funny. I think that makes me a cruel person but oh well. I can live with that. He also thinks the new kitten is “really cool”. Unlike many RADishes, he’s not cruel to animals. Annoying to animals, yes, but not cruel. I think the kitten situation was something like this:
-The kittens ran away from home because her mother was abusive. The mother is single, you see, and has quite the reputation for being a whore (that’s what I heard, apparently some cats are real whores). So the kitten ran away. The mother would only feed her milk, and had a real issue with her going to the wrong side of the gutter in the barn, where all the cool cats hung out. So she just took off. Luckily, she managed to find my boys and bummed a cigarette off of them. They bonded over that cigarette (and a little tuna) and the kitten was able to tell the RADish “man, my mom is so mean…” and from there her reputation as being a cool cat was set. The kitten does have a couple of serious issues. Perhaps sensory integration problems due to her rough upbringing and early life on the streets. She likes to bit noses, and can scale a pair of pants, while on the wearer, in about 3 seconds flat. Come to think of it, her time on bare legs is just as fast. She has a serious junk food addition. Good thing I already banned Hot Pockets and Pizza Rolls! Like an infant, she has her days and nights mixed up. I recall a similar situation with our firstborn furbaby, and have actively worked on changing this situation this afternoon. Sleeping kittens at night will not bite my nose, fingers, or toes. This is a good thing.
Food has been an issue for me too. I think that’s why I haven’t been writing as much. I’m frustrated, conflicted, angry, and sad all rolled into one. I got the eating disorder is a disease lecture, complete with comparison to alcoholism this week. She didn’t want to buy my story that I’m responsible for what I put in my mouth, not some alter ego known was Eating Disorder. If indeed, I’m not responsible for this behavior, but rather it’s my eating disorder, I then clearly have an alien in my body that needs to be evicted. That she liked. I still don’t think that’s an admission…I don’t like the idea that I didn’t cause this to happen. I think it developed as a pattern of behavior to a situation I didn’t know how to otherwise handle. I see the program and the therapy as a way of recovering—not of being “in recovery”. I don’t like the idea that I’ll always be in recovery. Unlike alcohol, I’m always going to need food to survive. We use it to nourish, to celebrate, and at times as a reward. I add in coping and comforting as well. I want to get rid of that part…
The sub-culture of the program bothers me. While I can see that it’s helpful to know that I’m not alone—and I do—I don’t think it’s healthy to have one’s world revolve around the recovery program. It’s not healthy to have my life revolve around food, obsessive food thoughts, and binging/compulsively eating either. But will I have really reached a healthy point if I rely on therpists, nutritionists, and a support group for the rest of my life? This is something that’s bothered me from the beginning. Some of the group members have been attending for 5 years of more. Perhaps that’s their limitation, but some of the conversations that revolve around this give me the willies. “Oh, I used to see that therapist, she’s great, but that was while I was still take this other med for anxiety. Then I saw this other therapist but I had to go on MA and she didn’t take MA. Um, no thank you. I want to be done at some point, have the skills and tools to cope ON MY OWN or with support from loved ones, not a paid professional. Right now, the paid professional is the tool and I’m fine with that. I’m not fine with it being that way forever. My therapy goals are to reduce binging, the compulsive thoughts surrounding food, and deal with the body distortion issues. Also, to develop new coping skills to replace eating as a coping skill. And MY goal, which is not part of this program, is to lose weight. They won’t let me have that as an official goal. As long as I don't quit, I'm doing okay, right?
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
The trumpet sounded, the angels sang, and the sun shined brighter than ever before. Why? BECAUSE THE BOYS ARE BACK IN SCHOOL!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you God, now they can spread their love around.
The week has been good, bad, hard, wonderful all rolled into one. After seeing my brand new nephew's picture, I couldn't help myself. I got sad and melancholy thinking about what our babies would have looked like. All of my nephews (and niece) look like our side of the family, with the exception of one. You can see it at birth. So my mind wanders...dh's curly thick hair or my stick straight? Big beautiful blue eyes, or my boring green ones? Tall or short? My cute nose or dh's wide one? I should...not...go...there. I once heard it said in a movie that "everyone has a sadness" I guess this is mine. Infertility sucks. Recently a former infertile said that it's very painful, and I got ticked. How dare she! How patronizing! Don't discuss your sorrow and 'not being able to have another one' and expect my sympathy.
Still, I find our IF being slowly resolved. Despite carrying the hurt around, it's lessening and I like having moved on. I see freedom from our rugrats on the distant horizon and I'm looking forward to it. Huh, who'd have thought that would happen. It doesn't mean I wouldn't welcome a surprise pg'cy, but IF tx'ments are no longer a pressing need the way they once were. I'm moving on. I'm NOT ready to try with our last embryos, but I do still want to. Pretty see-sawing isn't it? I have a feeling a lot of these feelings have to do with the fact that our entire parenting experience has been with very hard children, who have not provided the desired parenting experience. I love all of our kids, with the exception of a few, but I will always have in interest even in them.
BUT. THEY. WERE. HARD. NOT. NORMAL.CHALLENGING.PITA.
School has been good and bad both. I love clinicals, even if I don't really like LTC. I'm finding the good parts about it and I'm focusing on that. The a-holes in the group are emerging, and I'm trying to go undercover to avoid them and their gossip. I've gotten myself in trouble in class a few times with the jerks, because I'm GASP! Willing to participate. What a concept. Thankfully, both of my teachers are receptive to that.
Today is our anniversary. 9 years of wedded bliss, with all of the ups and downs of life. Without beloved, I don't know if I'd have gotten through it all as well as I did. Life with a partner, with THE partner that's clearly been created for you is amazing. Thank God we found each other so early in life. He's absolutely the best.
Here's to the next 9, dearest love of my life.
The week has been good, bad, hard, wonderful all rolled into one. After seeing my brand new nephew's picture, I couldn't help myself. I got sad and melancholy thinking about what our babies would have looked like. All of my nephews (and niece) look like our side of the family, with the exception of one. You can see it at birth. So my mind wanders...dh's curly thick hair or my stick straight? Big beautiful blue eyes, or my boring green ones? Tall or short? My cute nose or dh's wide one? I should...not...go...there. I once heard it said in a movie that "everyone has a sadness" I guess this is mine. Infertility sucks. Recently a former infertile said that it's very painful, and I got ticked. How dare she! How patronizing! Don't discuss your sorrow and 'not being able to have another one' and expect my sympathy.
Still, I find our IF being slowly resolved. Despite carrying the hurt around, it's lessening and I like having moved on. I see freedom from our rugrats on the distant horizon and I'm looking forward to it. Huh, who'd have thought that would happen. It doesn't mean I wouldn't welcome a surprise pg'cy, but IF tx'ments are no longer a pressing need the way they once were. I'm moving on. I'm NOT ready to try with our last embryos, but I do still want to. Pretty see-sawing isn't it? I have a feeling a lot of these feelings have to do with the fact that our entire parenting experience has been with very hard children, who have not provided the desired parenting experience. I love all of our kids, with the exception of a few, but I will always have in interest even in them.
BUT. THEY. WERE. HARD. NOT. NORMAL.CHALLENGING.PITA.
School has been good and bad both. I love clinicals, even if I don't really like LTC. I'm finding the good parts about it and I'm focusing on that. The a-holes in the group are emerging, and I'm trying to go undercover to avoid them and their gossip. I've gotten myself in trouble in class a few times with the jerks, because I'm GASP! Willing to participate. What a concept. Thankfully, both of my teachers are receptive to that.
Today is our anniversary. 9 years of wedded bliss, with all of the ups and downs of life. Without beloved, I don't know if I'd have gotten through it all as well as I did. Life with a partner, with THE partner that's clearly been created for you is amazing. Thank God we found each other so early in life. He's absolutely the best.
Here's to the next 9, dearest love of my life.
Saturday, September 01, 2007
Welcome to the world, brand new nephew. Today is an amazing day, what a wonderful early birthday gift for your mom! I was kind of hoping you'd wait a few more days so you could share that day together. There are so many wonderful thing waiting for you to do and learn. You have a terrific big sister, and the best ever big brother. You hit the jackpot with your oldest brother! Your other brother? Well, he's a lot like your mom, and she really loved me. Weird to think that you and your brother are 5 years apart in age, just like your mom and I are. Plus you have a special sister and brother who will be joining the family soon too.
Now, for a few secrets about your grandpa. He comes across as gruff and little stand offish, but he's thrilled to have another grandbaby. With very little effort, you can have him wrapped around your little finger. He will buy the moon for you if you ask. Just wait, since you're the last and youngest grandbaby...you are in the best spot, almost as good as your big brother had when he was the only grandchild! Since he'll be leaving for college next year someone needs to fill that spot!. Trust me on this, as a former youngest grandchild. Not to mention being the youngest in the family. This is a very, very good thing. At times it might not feel like it, especially when it seems like everyone else gets to do more and is so much more grown up. But, you will be the last to leave home. You'll get special time alone with your mom when your sisters and brothers are in school.
Your uncle and I are thrilled you are here, even if we won't get to see as often as we'd like. We will always be here for you, the distance doesn't matter. The love in our hearts does matter, even if we have yet to meet you.
May God always be a force you can feel, and may God's footstep's always guide you. May you always know love. I know there is a celebration in heaven this morning, and your Grandma and Great Grandma are leading the party.
With lots of hugs, kisses, and love,
Aunt Sunny
Now, for a few secrets about your grandpa. He comes across as gruff and little stand offish, but he's thrilled to have another grandbaby. With very little effort, you can have him wrapped around your little finger. He will buy the moon for you if you ask. Just wait, since you're the last and youngest grandbaby...you are in the best spot, almost as good as your big brother had when he was the only grandchild! Since he'll be leaving for college next year someone needs to fill that spot!. Trust me on this, as a former youngest grandchild. Not to mention being the youngest in the family. This is a very, very good thing. At times it might not feel like it, especially when it seems like everyone else gets to do more and is so much more grown up. But, you will be the last to leave home. You'll get special time alone with your mom when your sisters and brothers are in school.
Your uncle and I are thrilled you are here, even if we won't get to see as often as we'd like. We will always be here for you, the distance doesn't matter. The love in our hearts does matter, even if we have yet to meet you.
May God always be a force you can feel, and may God's footstep's always guide you. May you always know love. I know there is a celebration in heaven this morning, and your Grandma and Great Grandma are leading the party.
With lots of hugs, kisses, and love,
Aunt Sunny
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