Lowered Expectations

The song for this old SNL skit has been going through my head. It is only through extreme measures that I've been able to coerce the children into doing what I want them to do. First, to do their EXPECTED chores. Second, to have any awareness of their surroundings. Third, to let them wallow in their own piles of self-made poo. I will not rescue them from their bad decisions, nor will I accept responsiblity for those poor choices. If they like laying in piles upon piles of crap, so be it.

The 18 year old did not make it to work today. His own fault. He's had three days that he's messed up recently. This is after asking for more hours. When pointed out to him, his reply was that it was only two days that were messed up, one was my fault because I got his work hours wrong. I didn't know if I should laugh or cry. DS was overheard telling friends how I'm always bitchy. The radish accused me of destroying the check that HE washed. I'm amazed at the lengthes of denial he'll go to in order to avoid accepting responsibility for his actions.

After reading a number of RAD/attachment blogs this week, I realized how very lucky Beloved and I were in all the help and support we got with DS. On the other hand, it's also highlighted the lack of support we are getting for the radish now. I ended up in tears today, between the problems with the wet carpet in the basement and the absolute frustration of having zero support from social workers. How on earth is anyone expected to 'manage' this kind of child 24/7, 365 days out of the year? Prison guards work an 8 hour shift, I'm expected to be 'on duty' all the time.

He has shown very little interest in life beyond superficial pleasure--watching TV, playing basketball, a few things like that. There is zero consistant participation, and due to poor choices he can't play on the team this year. He does absolutely nothing other than what he wants, operating solely on the "What can I get out of this?" principle. Everything negative that happens in his life is someone else's fault. Even personal cares, picking up after himself in common areas are shuffled onto other people. If his socks are lost, it's because I picked them up (because he wouldn't of course), if the bathroom's a mess, a common response is "I didn't have time to pick up, you should get me up earlier then". After spending 30 minutes in front of the TV--of course he didn't have time to do such things!

One of the blogs I read this week said that she does things occasionally for her RAD child, not because she expects any sort of response, but simply because it makes her feel good. I used to occasionally do this for another child we had, and once I got to this mentality, it was a huge burden off my chest. I really have to get back to that mindset. Right now though, we've decided no back to school clothes--he just dumps them everywhere and lives in sloth anyway. Why would I add to my own frustration? He doesn't NEED new clothes, he WANTS them. He's threatened to throw things away in order to 'need' more.

We can't keep towels in the bathroom anymore either. He uses a new towel for each shower, and at times takes multiple showers in a day. The towels end up on the floor in a horrible, musty mess. Washclothes get tossed on the tub floor, free to fester and get musty as well. And he believes it's my responsibility to take care of laundering these items.

The upshot of my tear filled day was that our TFC worker is going to be setting up respite for us for 4 days. I believe that's $120-150, money well spent for the peace I need to get. I reminded her that this is a temporary solution, a short break will not mean much in the long run if this child is allowed to keep on the path that he's on. She offered several suggestions, all of which are part of my bag of tricks already. I just don't have the energy to use any of them right now. Long term solutions are needed, and the county worker simply doesn't want to make that happen. The funds are available through special programs he's a part of (which we have NEVER used) and the 'family ties' that are cited are BS, they just don't exist. This worker has wasted 8, almost 9 monthes of this child's time. Time that is quickly running out if there is ever going to be any sort of healing.