Commitment

I fear commitment. Not to dh, not to my family, only to myself. The only thing I can figure is that my self esteem is really that crappy that I think I'm just not worth the effort. School, for example. I usually do great for a semester and second semester just seems to be so much more effort I figure screw it. Maybe it's the perfectionist attitude coming out--I go overboard one semester and just don't have anything left to give the second semester.

I wouldn't treat anyone else I love the way I commonly treat myself. So the logical conclusion must be that I don't love myself, right? But if I know that's the case why don't I just do something about it? I enjoy life, my family, pets, school, BSF, all that my life entails. Still, there seems to be a demon inside of me that insists on self punishment.

Take today, for example. I'm sitting in BSF trying to quiet my mind so I can listen to the lecture and my stomach starts growling. I didn't have a lot for breakfast, granted, and it was now creeping up on 11am. Immediately I get a craving for greasy french fries and a cheeseburger. I can see Wendy's pop into my head. I know that is probably the worst choice I can make but it's still there. I had to pray for the craving to go away, and for the hunger to subside enough so I could make a decent meal choice. I had already decided to buy my lunch and make a decent choice. As soon as the hunger feeling struck I wanted to just say "screw it" like I have so many times in the past.

So "screw it" means??? My health? My willpower? Taking good care of myself? Chuck it all out the window for a moment of satisfaction that'll leave me with a stomach ache, feeling bloated, greasy-faced, and later tonight the runs? Why wouldn't I throw that out the window? It seems to make more sense to choose health.

Healthy living seems boring, filled with alfalfa sprouts and other hay-bale type foods. It seems like it's often about appearances. Maybe that's because for me it has been about appearances. Sneaky eating, something I'm an expert at, always involved those stress-relieving cheeseburgers. Public eating was about keeping up my defenses: "See the fat chick can't help she's fat. She's eating good nutritious foods in reasonable portions. It must be her genetics or metabolism." Oh the lies I've told myself. Heaven forbid if someone saw me, that fat chick, eating all the nasty food I craved for comfort.

Today I won the battle in my head. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but I'll pray for the strength to fight the battle if it happens. I want to believe I'm worth taking good care of. I want to believe there is value inside of me. I'm just not sure how to get there. I don't know how to make that commitment

Another Puzzler

My therapist threw out that I'm only totally relaxed when I'm eating. Great! So the one thing that really relaxes me is also making me sick. I'm fat, out of shape, but relaxed. How do I combat this? Where do I even start?

Memories and Food

I'm supposed to be journaling my feelings every time I eat. Right. If I knew what the heck I was feeling it would be a little easier. So far, I've discovered a connection between my favorite foods and memories, but is there an emotion connected to that? Who the hell knows. I sure don't. Here's my list so far:

Spaghetti: My all time favorite food: I'm 5 years old, just home from kindergarten and have mom all to myself. She has a bowl of noodles ready for me every day. Emotion???

Apples in Pie form, with cinnamon of course: Any pastry like this is like walking in the front door of my childhood home, with the wood stove going in the winter. The sky is gray, it's windy, and it's usually fall. The cinnamon smell is all through the house. All three kids pounce like starving dogs.

Chili or Chicken noodle soup: Again, a cold day, usually winter. The 'feeling' is one of warmth and soothing.

Chips: Tortilla, potato, etc. It's MINE. No sharing, it's a treat, eat 'em all before anyone else gets a chance. Something we didn't get a lot as kids. Selfish feelings.

McDonald's burgers/fries: A cheap treat so I don't have to cook. Treating myself after working hard and serving other people food all day or night. A throwback to my waitressing days. Responsible for about 25-30 extra pounds. I deserve a break today.

Eating out: I've earned it, I deserve to have people take care of me. The ultimate combination of pleasure at being 'served' and the bonus of spending money for stress relief.

And now I'm stuck. If I think of more, I'll add them. I've managed to exercise 5 times in the last 8 days, plus I've started to practice Yoga. I understand now why it's called a "practice". The moves are hard and take, well, practice. The second day, after I had stopped, I just watched the video for awhile and just for a split second there was a new feeling. Normally, when I can't get through an exercise routine, I punish myself. I tell myself what a worthless lump of crap I am, how I'm letting myself down, if I wouldn't have quit the other 10,000 times I'd be able to do the whole routine. Ad nausem. This time, I watched the women in the video with fascination. The thought crossed my mind that this was a challenge--I could use my body and push it to accomplish a goal. I could find out how far I could go, what my limits would be. And then it was gone. I'm searching for that feeling.

Crisis

There's nothing like a crisis to make me forget my focus. First it was helping other people. Another problem of mine, I hate to say no--for a couple of reasons.

1. They might say no when I need help.
2. I want people to like me--they might get mad if I say no
3. I have Superwoman complex

So I did intensive respite for someone else, exhausted myself, and invited disaster by saying "tomorrow is ALL ABOUT ME!!" HA! Disaster #2 in the form of Miss Amber in a car accident. Lovely. A couple of things were clarified for me though...first that I hate it when people are unhappy. Who likes to be around unhappy people? Instead of just distancing myself, why not just make them happy? Sounds like a brilliant solution. Except it doesn't work, it stress me out, and people like that just suck the life force out of me.

Add to THAT lovely hospital experience with the world's worst patient, I spent a weekend with family. So now I have stress, a long drive, spending time with a lot of unhappy people. Gee, makes a lot of sense. Really great way to take care of myself. And for a bonus, let's throw in a big nasty fight with dear old dad.

The best cure? Being alone. Sounds weird but just having time to myself is an amazing cure-all. Now if I could just learn to be patient with myself. I can give everyone else all the time in the world to work through their problems, but I think I should be able to figure it out NOW. I want results NOW too.