Dear Mr. Murphy

Get the hell out of my house. You have never been welcome, and here is why:

1. You invite yourself over.
2. You don't pick up after yourself.
3. You almost always cost a lot of money.
4. You're visits come at very inconvenient times.
5. You are rude, inconsiderate, and a royal PITA.
6. You're visits are always stressful and cause undo amounts of worry and upheaval in my daily routine.

I hereby evict you permanently from my life!!! Don't come back. The little sump pump trick was the final straw. Do I need this stress in my life, ever? I don't f'ing think so.