Where's my mojo?

I keep wondering where I've gone. I haven't regretted stopping therapy a few years ago, and I think I have better body image than ever, but I'm as fat as I ever was at my highest weight, working more hours in a physically, mentally, and emotionally demanding job. And I've been getting sick. A lot. And my foot is killing me. It's time to get back to basics...

1. Journaling was the best thing that came out of my therapy. I've said it again and again. Still, at times it's a struggle. It's hard to see my words and feelings written down. It's hard to re-read them. But when I do, it's self-validating. I read it, remember what I was feeling and thinking, and think "that's not so bad!" But then I won't right anything for a while and it ends up coming out as word vomit. Time to do this more, to avoid the word vomit.

2. Self cares: Good points: I've spent about $600 on clothes and shoes this summer. I've spent another $300 or so on self-beautification at the spa. Bad points: I wait too long to do these services. I would be better cared for if I did these things in smaller $$ amounts, on a more regular basis.

3. Church: We've joined a new one, I love it, but I have issues. It forces us to spend more time with MIL, who I love and adore. It chews up a good part of my Sunday and it seems like I'm missing the day somehow. I think there are old issues here re-surfacing in a weird, unhealthy way.

4. Pain issues: I found out this spring that at some point, I really should have reconstructive surgery on my foot. I don't want to. So I'm taking pain killers, which help a lot. My headaches are virtually gone.

5. Family issues: My brother continues, of course, to deteriorate. His wife is a psychotic bitch who told my sister she prays we get huntington's disease. We have no contact. I'm not all that sad, but do wish I could have a united family. One that isn't crazy. So my only real family outside of my marriage is my sister's. I love her dearly and at times wish I lived closer. It would be fun to pop over for dinner, meet up with them and my Dad for lunch, occasionally babysit for her kiddos.

6. Wife and Marriage issues: My poor husband deserves a much better wife. I work a minimum of 40 hours a week, more like 50-60. Add in drive time back and forth and orientation at the hospital and I'm tired. A lot. Which leaves no time for #1 or #2, and even less time for sleep. Which makes me a pretty absent wife. This feeds into all sorts of fears that he'll leave me. I wouldn't blame him a bit.

My garden looks like how I've been feeling, chaotic and full of weeds. Nothing is growing. It's stagnant and so am I. My focus these last months has been to keep our heads (financially) above water and to build my career. I want to advance and learn as many skills as possible. First, to be a better more knowledgeable nurse. Second, because that's just how I am. I want to be the best I can be. While I love working at the LTC/TCU, and I have grown to enjoy my PT home care job, these are the two least respected areas of nursing. Not sure why, but it's true. Neither is easy, but both are considered the bottom rung of the ladder. If my pay was better at the LTC, I would probably be content to stay. However, there is little room to grow and that would eventually cramp my style too. So I found a local hospital that was hiring, and I'm enjoying it. I'm finding myself very different from my preceptors in that they are content in their small-town hospital. One says "I'm a med surg girl through and through." I'm not. I want to learn it all. After going through college once and coming out with a very limited set of skills, I don't want to be limited again...that is also part of my motivation.

The cost has been high, and my personal mojo is gone. My list making, all the things I used to get done in a day--gone. At work, I hate sitting still. I want to be productive and busy. I constantly think about beloved and coming home to him, but once I'm home can barely interact with him. It's enough to just have him near. I need him near, and draw strength from him. But I look at him and have a hard time figuring out where to start or what to say. All I have to talk about is work.

It's taken a toll on my immune system. I'm constantly sick, which affects my sleep, which I desparately need. I used to love to cook and just don't have the energy to do so anymore. So I eat crap and junk. This is not helping my weight or my immune system. I have no energy to work out--so I'm not sleeping well and of course it's affected my weight. The constant sick has affected my weight too.

I want, I want, I want...so many things. I want to take care of my house the way I used to. I want to take care of my garden the way I used to. I want to take care of my husband and myself the way I used to. I want my mojo back so I can work out and play hard, and have fun with my husband again.

I miss myself.