That Bitch Hope

That bitch hope snuck up on me again. After 6 weeks without a period, and intermitent spotting over the last 4-5 days, I decided to do what I vowed never, ever to do again: POAS. I DID get the cheapest one I could find, and I DID wait until the end of the day to try it, and I DID justify it by the fact that I've been taking the tramadol.

So why did my heart beat a little faster? Why did I get a little more anxious? Why? Because that bitch hope managed to work it's way into my heart again. I hate that. It was, as it's always been for me, lily white. Negative, Nada, sign of the empty womb, barren. F'ing INFERTILE. No miracle surprise bad timing baby for me.

And just the tiny, tiniest bit of bitterness as evidenced by my words above.

I went to the Quickie Clinic, found out I've been running a fever, and got the good cough syrup along with a z-pack and an inhaler. If my period doesn't show up by next week, I'll go and see my regular MD.

Another busy day at work today, leaving little time for anything else. At least I feel better knowning that it's not "just" my allergies, or that it's not "just a cold." The low-grade temp makes me feel better about being a bum at home. The to do list just keeps growing. It'll get done, eventually, right?

Just hoping for some real sleep tonight. Some real, actual, sleep. The kind where I wake up in the morning thinking "Wow, I slept ALL night." Or at least 4 hours. I can take the cough syrup every 4 hours, so if it gets me that much sleep, I'll be thrilled.

Work vent: our reports are like playing the telephone game. There are several ways this can be accomplished:

1. The report where I get the same report from the NOC nurse as I gave the PM nurse. This includes any task I was unable to complete, any issue I was not able to follow up on, that ends up getting passed back to me the next morning.

2. The report where the oncoming nurse makes a note she then can't interpret when she reports off to the next shift, there by I get "Her orders need to be clarified" when in fact the reports was "Got coumadin orders for tonight from the on-call, please call primary in the morning for additional orders".

I got the jumbled version of #2, wondered which orders, checked the MAR and couldn't find anything that didn't look right and promptly got so busy with a less than likeable pt who was on her light every 5 minutes:
HER: Your supposed to wrap my legs.
ME: Yes, I know, but it's 6:30am, and I have a few other things I need to finish first, I plan on doing it before you have therapy.

A few minutes later, the CNA tells me she wants me.
HER: Don't forget my foot cream
ME: Of course not!
HER: Well are you going to get it?
ME: Yes, when I wrap your legs after breakfast (thinking, if you could REACH them, you COULD DO IT YOURSELF)

An amazing 30 minutes pass before the next issue
HER: What's that gurgling?
ME: That's water in your circuit hose, I'll drain it, and show you how you can.
HER: THERE'S NOT supposed to be water in there! You did something WRONG!
ME: I did not do anything to the set up, it's water that's condensed in there. That's what this collection bag is for, see?

I take her morning medications in about 30 minutes later, she questions every pill. Tells me I checked her blood sugar "wrong". The other nurses poke her finger dead center, not on the sides. Hmmm....I wonder why? Then I gave her insulin wrong because she could actually feel the needle.

Fast forward to after breakfast. I get the supplies to do the wraps, and she tells me again I'm not doing it right. I'm supposed to wrap cotton underneath the ace wraps first. Fine. I get back in the room and get asked why there is water on the floor. I calmly remind her that she spilled it a moment ago--and that's why I had a towel in my hand.

After I did the leg wraps, I thought I was off the hook until lunch--but then she wanted suction and lavage. Lucky me, she hacks out a huge nasty booger, and then there was nothing to suction. No loss as far as I was concerned. I also still had to bet her vitals, and brought the manual cuff. As a big woman, I know how bad those automatic cuffs can hurt, they are excruciating. So I did a manual and she wanted me to do it on her lower arm. I'm very, very bad at this, so I tried, didn't get it, and then did it on her upper arm--she kept thinking/saying how it would hurt.

By the end of the day, I was at my wits end. I'm trying hard to remember why she is with us, and why I'm supposed to be nice. The final straw was when she came out of her room--and told me her O2 set up was wrong. Um, except I didn't change a thing all day. And after spending 1/2 hour on the phone with RT on Sunday night, I'm about the only person who actually knows what to do with her circuit and set up. Most of our A&O residents on the TCU side get the fact that the goal is independence and the ability to get home...some are not. I'm trying hard to remember that there are underlying issues for this, like mental health problems, but it's hard when you see one resident working so hard and getting home while another acts like they are at a resort and they are the only person in the place with a staff of 20 to cater to their needs.

Spending 1/2 the day playing head games with myself didn't help either. So when the PM nurse came on tonight, I had to admit I had dropped the ball. I figured out what the report should have been when I finally was able to sit down to chart 30 min. before the end of my shift. That's when I saw her note from yesterday. The thing is, I know she'll complain about me all night for missing this while to my face she says "no big deal."

I do the best I can in the limited time I have. More work vents to follow. It's good for me.