Can anyone hear me?

Or am I talking--shouting--to the empty air, sky, and universe? It sure doesn't seem like anyone is listening, which makes me wonder if anyone can hear me. My therapist needs to know the following:

I've worked damn hard the last year and half, and you need to take a look at where I've been, and how far I've come if you are going to be remotely close to getting me the rest of the way to my goals. Otherwise, we won't be able to continue this relationship.

First, where I've been:
Wallowing in self-loathing and self-hatred.
Wondering if I'm crazy
Thinking I have to be super mom, super wife, super daughter, super aunt, and super sister.
Depressed when I couldn't live up to any of the above Supers
Living in fear of having Huntington's disease
Grief-filled over our IVF failure

Where I am now:
Liking or loving myself most days
Knowning I'm not crazy
Knowning I'm not a Super woman in any respect, and being thankful that I don't have to live up to any ridiculous standards.
Able to say "no"
Knowing my limits
Having confidence in my abilities, which are many
At peace with our infertility
Still afraid of HD, but not afraid to live
No longer needing constant validation for my existance, being able to provide my own self-validation. This has resulted in appearing to be shy and quiet, but also more geniune.

Right now, I am pissed off--no, I'm well beyond that. Infuriated, shakingly, screaming at the top of my lungs pissed off. The kind of pissed off where I want to break something. Will it do any good? Of course not, but that is what I'm feeling. I come out of therapy feeling weak and helpless. That makes me mad because nothing could be further from the truth. You're trying to sell me on the fact that an eating disorder is a disease. I'm not buying it. It's a problem, yes, and in the sense that it's created physical problems for me....yes, it's a disease. Many diseases have a cure and I'm including this eating disorder in the category of curable diseases. It's not like bipolar disorder or diabetes that can be managed with medication. On the contrary, this is something I started, something that I could count on for comfort at a very specific point in my life. After that it became a habit and I believe other influences on this habit lead to a vicious cycle.

Dieting, for one thing...this lead me to feeling deprived and in a sense lonely for that which once brought me comfort. That in turn lead to binging and compulsive thoughts about food. Find me someone who doesn't think about food compulsively when on a diet! Do they all have an eating disorder? NO OF COURSE NOT!!! I never developed alternative coping mechanisms, which is what my main focus is right now. I have a list of things that feel good to me...including bathes, wine, lattes, massages, pedicures, and shopping. I'm very tactile...that's why this list has so many touchy-feely things on it. These are all very good wonderful things for me. Things that require active effort on my part to make happen. Sometimes I'm good at this, other times I'm not.

The society I live in is food focused. Constant commercials for food, restaurants, dieting, and even a FOOD channel. How on earth can I not think about it? But that is one thing I've been asked to do, and it seems impossible. There is a difference between being obsessive and having 'normal' thoughts about eating and food. Seeing as how I can't survive without it, I don't have a choice now do I? How do I know when my thoughts are 'normal'? What's the metric?

Next we have therapy and the ED program. While not entirely food focused, my eating habits are in the spotlight right now. It feels like the goal of not obsessively thinking about food is in direct odds with keeping a food journal. The end result is that I'm pissed of to the nth degree and really want nothing to do with food. I don't want to cook, which I normally love to do. I don't want to eat, which I obviously love to do. I get mad when I get hungry. It's just a reminder that I have to deal with this yet again, and that I have to find a way of feeding myself something decent, nutritious, loving (loving, LOVING? Are you for freakin' real when you said that part?), oh yeah, but try not to think about it too much, and try to eat before you get TOO hungry, and try to distinguish between emotional and physical hunger. ARE YOU F'ING KIDDING ME?

Let's review what I can do:
-I am the person in charge (mainly) of meal preparation in my home.
-I can tell the difference between emotional and physical hunger, even if I don't always choose to *NOT* eat when the hunger is emotional
-I have a goddamn brain in my head--I can use it
-I can and do practice (with varying regularity) self care in the form of naps, bathes, massages, pedicures, and all the other things I've already mentioned.
-I can break this vicious cycle.

But don't give me conflicting advice. Please, all it does it makes me angry, and makes me think you can't hear what I'm saying. Know that I'm frustrated with how my body looks, and sad that I did this to myself. I'm afraid that I'm wrecked my metabolism, and that how I want to look is not going to be possible. I'm sad, frustrated, and a little scared at the effort it's going to take to get my body strong and healthy again. I'm sad that it came to this. I need support in the active effort to rebuild that strength. I want to have a sex drive again, I want to feel pretty if not sexy in my clothes. I want to be able to wear all of the clothes in my closet.

I want how I feel inside to be reflected on the outside. The outside still looks like how I felt years ago.