Assertiveness

I'm a recovering wimp. I know this. I've spent most of my life avoiding confrontation. It really has not served me well. In wanting to always be the nice person and get along with everyone, I ended up letting everyone walk all over me. I can be assertive if it's for the kids, or for dh, or for friends. But for myself it's a challenge. I'm also a recovering bitch, so I guess the pendulum swung too far to the other side. It's hard looking at yourself so analytically. Character flaws are a blow to the ego, but since I have such bad self esteem one would think that it's just more fuel for the self-criticism.

That's another thing I'm trying to change, self-criticism is self destructive. As one book put it, I wouldn't treat a friend, my spouse, or my kids the way I treat myself. So back to the assertiveness. I lucky that I have lots of people in my life that are willing to help me be more assertive:

-The parent who lied to me about her child's criminal record so we'd let him move back in for a few months.
-The child who lied to move back in
-The parents of the child who bought cigarettes for another kid in my home and then tried to blame it on the other child
-The SW who try and get me to run 24/7 to "help the kids"
-The parents who buy cigarettes for their kids

I guess I should thank them. The gave me the chance to not back down, and to confront their lies and their manipulations. I don't think I'm being a bitch, in fact I think I still might be too nice when I tell them I see there bs.

One problem: The RADish has the therapist under his spell. It's evident the way she talks to me. She thinks I'm too hard on him, don't offer enough love, don't offer him enough chances. I can't exactly tell her where to go, since she has the degrees and I don't. I don't totally disagree with her on the non-ADHD thing for the RADish, but I DO disagree with the way the situation was handled. I'll have to think how to handle this one for a while.

Food issues:
I'm not using food to nourish me. I'm using it to soothe me emotionally. What pisses me off the most is that I know I do this, I have a list of alternatives, and yet I consistantly am not using them. WTF is wrong with me? I don't want to be fat, I don't want to feel like a blob, I don't want to do this!!! There is something about the pain of change being needing to be less than the pain of staying the same. Well, I guess I'm not there yet. The pain of changing this habit is horrible yet.

I want to be in good physical condition. I hate that the process takes so long. I like how I feel emotionally when exercise. I don't like how sore I get. I know consistancy is the key, as is starting slow. I can no longer use my foot as an excuse as it's doing better, I'm close to the point I was pre-surgery. So although there are benefits, bottom line is that it still hurts.

Food, on the other hand, always feels good. The victory that I have had is that I am not eating until I feel like I can burst. The part I'm struggling with is eating foods that nourish my body, eating a healthy diet. On this un-diet, I like that there are no rules. But trusting myself is hard. I've betrayed myself so often, that I'm skeptical of if I can ever trust myself again with food. Can I interpret my own signals? Do I know what my body is telling me? Am I able to undo my bad habits and learn new ones?

I'm undoing the damage in other areas of my life. For years, I ignored my finances. Now I'm facing that one head on, making good progress (mostly) and I'm proud of that. I know and accept that there will be setbacks and that'll I struggle with that one. However, when it comes to food, each slip seems to make me fee l like I'm in the pit again, at square one.