Guilt and Shame-Thanks Dad!

So, I'm supposed to be thinking about where my guilty feelings come from. I've noticed a couple of things:

1. A family history--this is how we tended to relate to each other. By making each other feel guilty, instead of trying to work through a particular problem..."You hurt my feelings..." etc.

2. I use the word 'guilt' when I'm not sure what I'm feeling.

3. I bought into the myth of mommy guilt.

The shame aspects are a little more complex. Again there is a family history. Dad really wanted me to go to the lutheran school, which would have been fine except for the fact that the teacher I had would have abused me for four years. Thank God mom had more sense than that. But dad's shame was obvious. Instead of me being in the school kid's Christmas program, I had the cameo appearance with the Sunday School. While the school kids sat up front, facing the congregation, the Sunday schoolers sat in the pews and only went up for our part for a few minutes. Instead of standing up for me, he was a wuss, felt ashamed, and transfered that to me. He was ashamed of me. I felt it profoundly. I hated going to church because of it. I was embarrassed to be a part of the Sunday school. But I was more terrified of that teacher. I was shocked to find out how strongly I felt--after 26 years--knowning she was visiting.

There is no doubt in my mind that this woman was seriously disturbed. What other excuse is there for verbally abusing a 6 year old? Heck, I think I have a good arguement to say she was physically abusive as well. She made me stand in the corner, with the snow blowing in through the back door crack, for more than an hour at a time. She made me sit in my seat the whole day--no bathroom break--and I had to ask a classmate to bring me my lunch because she wouldn't. I remember not being able to take it and running to the bathroom. Then sitting in the bathroom realizing what I'd done crying because I was going to be in more trouble. I remember getting a huge sliver in my hand and hating the fact that she had to touch me to get it out. I couldn't wash the feel of her off of me fast enough. I was bawling, but not from the pain of the sliver, but because she was touching me. Why didn't dad see that? Why did he want me to endure that for HIS pride?

Same thing with college. I worked my ass off, fighting homesickness, depression, and facing my mother's illness, and think it was enough that I even managed to graduate. When I look back, the classes that I excelled in were the ones that I enjoyed the most. No doubt, A's all the way. The classes that I didn't do well in were the classes that I was bored stiff in--but I still managed C's. The classes I failed (with the exception of Geology, that's DH's fault) were because I just flat out couldn't do it. They were simply beyond my abilities, and the way my brain worked. Instead of supporting me, again I was shamed. My sister was flying through school with virtually no effort (so it seemed to me) and I was struggling. "I'm the good daughter NOW" was what she said to me. So the cycle of shame continued. So what did I learn to do? Shame myself.

Two reasons why I think I set such high expectations for myself: 1. I have to be good enough to please dad, or else I'll be shamed. 2. It means I'm symptom free.

Okay, a third reason: I want to show my sister up in school. Petty, basically sibling rivalry, but there it is.

Guilt, I'm finding, is pissing me off when I realize that's what I'm feeling. It's starting to piss me off because I don't like feeling guity about anything, and I also I'm starting to tap into what I'm really feeling.

-DS's bio mom: I'm doing a damn good job with ds, if she's jealous, that's her deal.
-Kids: This is MY house, MY stuff, they have their own stuff, they earn money, they can use and wreck their own crap.
-Dad: Not living at home--Dad, give me a f'ing break. If you stood back and had the ability to look at yourself you wouldn't want to live near you either. You should be happy for ME and the life I've created, instead of being a big baby. Grow up!

I think those were the main areas of guilt I've had. I recently heard someone say that guilt in shame are ways we use to get 'stuck' vs moving on. They are fear-based emotions, fear of the unknown. So instead of dealing with what we are really feeling or the situation, we use guilt/shame as a way to hide. I'll buy that.