Grief and Loss

Things not to say to someone or do to someone grieving:

1. It's God's will
2. There is a reason for everything
3. I just don't know what to say
4. Time heals all wounds
5. It'll get better
6. Cheer up
7. They are in a better place
8. Examples of suffering from the bible
9. Avoiding
10. Asking if they are okay. They are not okay, they don't need to reassure anyone at a time when they need reassurance.

Things that do help

1. A hug
2. Quiet listening
3. Calling
4. Not pushing the person to talk about it
5. Laughing or crying with them
6. If the loss was a person, mention them
7. Meals
8. Cleaning

I spent most of last year feeling like I was falling in a bottomless pit, with smooth walls so I couldn't even stop myself from falling. I spent that year trying to cling to the sides. Now that I finally found a spot to start climbing out, I can look back and see who and what was helpful. First, dh who was hurting on his own. He just held me, and with our twisted sense of humor we both managed to support each other. I'm not sure how, but we did it. Last year at this time I was desparate to start school full time. If I wouldn't have been able to get into a class, I would have freaked out wondering how I was going to fill the time. This semester, I am only taking one class and I'm thinking "hey I can relax a little bit". Time really DOES help, but I would have slapped anyone who suggested that a year ago.

Second, my friend Kelly. She lost a baby when she was 6months pg, rarely talks about it, and managed to comfort me without a word. Her calm--not "I'm uncomfortable and can't handle your tears" silence was like a balm. I remember telling her that it was so nice that she didn't act weird around me. She wasn't ignoring my hurt or trying to cheer me up, she just was there. She said she knew there were no words that would fix what I was feeling, she had so many people telling her what she was supposed to feel when her baby died, she wouldn't dare do that to me. My other friends were uncomfortable, they acted stiff and weird, like there was an elephant in the room we were all trying to ignore. It was suffocating. Kelly was like a shield.

Someone else followed me around that first night asking me if I was okay. WTF was I supposed to say? Yes, I'm okay??? WTF did she think? NO I was NOT okay. Then there was the person who sent an e-mail telling me how it was God's will. I think that was my favorite. I still have a grudge against that person. The friend who sent me the fudge will always hold a special place. Not a word was said, just fudge. What better comfort could there be? And yes, not getting pregnant when you see those beautiful embryos, those little bits of me and dh is a huge loss. Most of the world may not see it, but it's real.

Grief delayed is still grief that must be dealt with. It was different with mom, we lost her in bits and pieces. In some ways it was worse because it was dragged out over so many years. Just when we thought we'd gotten used to her in a new way, we'd lose another piece and have to get used to her all over again. In the end, it was just a relief to have her die and be out of her misery. But oh the guilt in wanting it to end...I wanted my own suffering to end. In reality, it was her suffering I wanted to end, that's not something to feel guilty about. I understand the concept of assisted suicide much better now. I don't agree with it, but I get it.

With grandma, it felt like the natural process of life. Old people are supposed to die. Even though mom was young, it was still the natural process...parents die before their children. That's not suppposed to happen with babies, or even almost-babies. So now that I'm not hiding, supposedly the process has started:

T = To accept the reality of the loss: Like I had a choice
E = Experience the pain of the loss: Over and over, and over again
A = Adjust to the new environment without the lost object: Never really had it to begin with
R = Reinvest in the new reality: I'm doing this, but I rushed and ignored my own heart.

Some things won't change. I still won't do baby showers, but I'm getting sick of people wondering why. They all know why. I still don't like being around pg women, it hurts. If they don't like it too damn bad. I can't worry about their feelings anymore, or if I'm making them uncomfortable. I've walked around for 8 years feeling like shit. Let somebody else be considerate of me for a change.