Foster Parent Non-Support

DH was recently telling me that a new study shows that the biggest reason foster parents stop fostering is due to the lack of support. Between that and the lack of adequate respite care, retaining quality foster parents is nearly impossible.

Um, DUH? While there are tons of studies available on foster children, the "system", etc, but virtually no one has looked at foster parents. Easy to understand, as the focus should be on the the children and the system designed to help them, however, it also highlights the fact that foster parents are thought to be outside of this system, instead of a part of it.

Our own experiences highlight this, as social workers talked around us and over us. It was made clear that there was information that was being held from us, information that included details of the conditions of the environment 'our' children came from. This is information that we could have used to help answer the 6 year old's question of "Why did this happen to me." She had been so acclimated to her environment that she didn't know that her life was the norm, and as is typical of a 6 year old, assumed the fault must have been hers.

We could speak in generalities, as we'd been taught. We also were not blind. We saw that the 6 year old was the caretaker for her two siblings. She constantly butted heads with beloved, as he was a full time SAHD. The phrase "The grown ups are supposed to take care of the kids; your job is to go to school and play, and keep your room picked up."

Much of the progress we made was undermined at every home visit where she would again be in charge of the siblings. It also didn't help that parental guilt drove the purchase of Mountain Dew and one pound bags of M&Ms. Sunday night and Monday mornings were the worst, as they would come off of the sugar high. This is when I'd get the most complaints about home made meals.

After these kids left our home, we got the feel that we had been watched to see how we handled the situation. Imagine getting a phone call asking how your charges are doing, and then hearing "By the way, they are going home in 2 days." They were not even going to let the 6 year old finish the school year. We managed to convince them of that, and it seemed that we were labeled after that. The next placement that came our way was several months down the road, although we'd constantly heard from other foster parents that they were getting frequent calls for placements. Can we say "black balled?"

Had we be kept in the loop, we could have helped make the transition a lot easier on the kids, and we ourselves could have had more time to mentally prepare. The lack of services available to the children and parents that need it the most is appalling. With this in mind, minimal funds should be spent on foster parent support, but there should be adequate training available--paid for either out of pocket or by donations. I would hate to see a dime that could go towards helping a child be taking away in the name of "training" a foster parent. Support groups, on the other hand, are cheap.

All most foster parents need is respite for a few hours. In my opinion, that respite should also be provided by the social workers. I have actually made this suggestion--it was greeted by hysterical laughter on the part of the social workers.