School is pissing me off. Not my school, the high school. The 18 year old has a lit test tomorrow. He HAS to have computer access to study for this test. Bravo to the teacher for joining the 21st century but it’s making my life a living hell. The 18 year old wants to use my computer to study. Never mind that he had access to the ‘puter at school for an hour after school, or that the ‘puter and the library is available. He’s trying to tell me that the studying will take longer, therefore, he’ll get kicked off the library ‘puter. Right now he’s playing football. So he can use my computer later tonight. I don’t think so. I printed the powerpoint slides, not looking at how many there were before I started. 106. I didn’t set it to print multiple slides per page, or in notes form with multiple slides per page. Nope, dummy that I am, I just hit print even though I never, ever do that for my own stuff. 106 pages down the freakin’ drain used for virtually no reason because I know damn well he’s not going to study. He never does.

The RADish is having a fit. I think he’s ready to shit a kitten out, he’s that ticked off. I grounded him because he has an F in language. It looks like he didn’t get credit for an assignment, but I don’t know why, how, or when he actually did the assignment he showed me. Therefore, until then, he’s grounded. I’ve been burned on the following “it’s not my fault I’m flunking” with the following excuses:

-The scores are figured from the total for the quarter, so EVERYONE is flunking at this point (never did buy this one)
-The teacher forgot to give me credit. It’s not fair
-The teacher lost it. It’s not fair
-That worksheet is in, she just didn’t record the grades yet (yeah, that’s why it’s in the gradebook as a zero…hmmm) It’s not fair
-I dropped the other class and picked this one up, so I didn’t do those first 4 assignments. It’s not fair.
-The teacher screwed it up because she told us to put in the red folder and it was supposed to be the blue folder so none of us got credit. It’s not fair.
-It’s not my fault. That other kid was copying my homework and I forgot to get it back from him to hand it in. He was going to hand it in for me. We weren’t cheating though, it’s not fair or my fault.
-They don’t like me. (but it’s not because I cussed them out, wrote threats on the bathroom wall or stole lots of money from three of my classmates. Or even because I text in class or spit every chance I get) It’s not fair.
-The teacher’s got something against me. He/She is really hard on foster kids. It’s not fair.

Speaking of not fair, the RADish washed his phone for the second time in less than a year. I find this hysterically funny. I think that makes me a cruel person but oh well. I can live with that. He also thinks the new kitten is “really cool”. Unlike many RADishes, he’s not cruel to animals. Annoying to animals, yes, but not cruel. I think the kitten situation was something like this:

-The kittens ran away from home because her mother was abusive. The mother is single, you see, and has quite the reputation for being a whore (that’s what I heard, apparently some cats are real whores). So the kitten ran away. The mother would only feed her milk, and had a real issue with her going to the wrong side of the gutter in the barn, where all the cool cats hung out. So she just took off. Luckily, she managed to find my boys and bummed a cigarette off of them. They bonded over that cigarette (and a little tuna) and the kitten was able to tell the RADish “man, my mom is so mean…” and from there her reputation as being a cool cat was set. The kitten does have a couple of serious issues. Perhaps sensory integration problems due to her rough upbringing and early life on the streets. She likes to bit noses, and can scale a pair of pants, while on the wearer, in about 3 seconds flat. Come to think of it, her time on bare legs is just as fast. She has a serious junk food addition. Good thing I already banned Hot Pockets and Pizza Rolls! Like an infant, she has her days and nights mixed up. I recall a similar situation with our firstborn furbaby, and have actively worked on changing this situation this afternoon. Sleeping kittens at night will not bite my nose, fingers, or toes. This is a good thing.

Food has been an issue for me too. I think that’s why I haven’t been writing as much. I’m frustrated, conflicted, angry, and sad all rolled into one. I got the eating disorder is a disease lecture, complete with comparison to alcoholism this week. She didn’t want to buy my story that I’m responsible for what I put in my mouth, not some alter ego known was Eating Disorder. If indeed, I’m not responsible for this behavior, but rather it’s my eating disorder, I then clearly have an alien in my body that needs to be evicted. That she liked. I still don’t think that’s an admission…I don’t like the idea that I didn’t cause this to happen. I think it developed as a pattern of behavior to a situation I didn’t know how to otherwise handle. I see the program and the therapy as a way of recovering—not of being “in recovery”. I don’t like the idea that I’ll always be in recovery. Unlike alcohol, I’m always going to need food to survive. We use it to nourish, to celebrate, and at times as a reward. I add in coping and comforting as well. I want to get rid of that part…

The sub-culture of the program bothers me. While I can see that it’s helpful to know that I’m not alone—and I do—I don’t think it’s healthy to have one’s world revolve around the recovery program. It’s not healthy to have my life revolve around food, obsessive food thoughts, and binging/compulsively eating either. But will I have really reached a healthy point if I rely on therpists, nutritionists, and a support group for the rest of my life? This is something that’s bothered me from the beginning. Some of the group members have been attending for 5 years of more. Perhaps that’s their limitation, but some of the conversations that revolve around this give me the willies. “Oh, I used to see that therapist, she’s great, but that was while I was still take this other med for anxiety. Then I saw this other therapist but I had to go on MA and she didn’t take MA. Um, no thank you. I want to be done at some point, have the skills and tools to cope ON MY OWN or with support from loved ones, not a paid professional. Right now, the paid professional is the tool and I’m fine with that. I’m not fine with it being that way forever. My therapy goals are to reduce binging, the compulsive thoughts surrounding food, and deal with the body distortion issues. Also, to develop new coping skills to replace eating as a coping skill. And MY goal, which is not part of this program, is to lose weight. They won’t let me have that as an official goal. As long as I don't quit, I'm doing okay, right?