Memories and Food

I'm supposed to be journaling my feelings every time I eat. Right. If I knew what the heck I was feeling it would be a little easier. So far, I've discovered a connection between my favorite foods and memories, but is there an emotion connected to that? Who the hell knows. I sure don't. Here's my list so far:

Spaghetti: My all time favorite food: I'm 5 years old, just home from kindergarten and have mom all to myself. She has a bowl of noodles ready for me every day. Emotion???

Apples in Pie form, with cinnamon of course: Any pastry like this is like walking in the front door of my childhood home, with the wood stove going in the winter. The sky is gray, it's windy, and it's usually fall. The cinnamon smell is all through the house. All three kids pounce like starving dogs.

Chili or Chicken noodle soup: Again, a cold day, usually winter. The 'feeling' is one of warmth and soothing.

Chips: Tortilla, potato, etc. It's MINE. No sharing, it's a treat, eat 'em all before anyone else gets a chance. Something we didn't get a lot as kids. Selfish feelings.

McDonald's burgers/fries: A cheap treat so I don't have to cook. Treating myself after working hard and serving other people food all day or night. A throwback to my waitressing days. Responsible for about 25-30 extra pounds. I deserve a break today.

Eating out: I've earned it, I deserve to have people take care of me. The ultimate combination of pleasure at being 'served' and the bonus of spending money for stress relief.

And now I'm stuck. If I think of more, I'll add them. I've managed to exercise 5 times in the last 8 days, plus I've started to practice Yoga. I understand now why it's called a "practice". The moves are hard and take, well, practice. The second day, after I had stopped, I just watched the video for awhile and just for a split second there was a new feeling. Normally, when I can't get through an exercise routine, I punish myself. I tell myself what a worthless lump of crap I am, how I'm letting myself down, if I wouldn't have quit the other 10,000 times I'd be able to do the whole routine. Ad nausem. This time, I watched the women in the video with fascination. The thought crossed my mind that this was a challenge--I could use my body and push it to accomplish a goal. I could find out how far I could go, what my limits would be. And then it was gone. I'm searching for that feeling.