Sometimes I don't like being right

We had our work meeting yesterday, and as I thought, we did indeed have a new form rolled out to complete with the admissions packets. Virtually no useful information was taught to us by our "clinical director of education". Although I do get 2 CEU's for sitting through this hour of BS.

I also found myself the victim of workplace gossip and BS. It's time for me to stop being so damn nice to the CNAs and start being their supervisor. I hate, hate, hate the workplace gossip. Since I work with 99.9% women, it's surprising I haven't had something like this happen before. I've observed that a particular CNA is very two faced. I've seen her smiling at a co-worker, then muttering under her breath and rolling her eyes as she walks away. She's rather transparent even to those that are a bit slow in these matters (like me) but is sure that she's not. Several weeks ago, she was reported for a pretty serious issue, and she has had "issues" with me since.

Earlier this week, she was told she couldn't switch halls by me. She went over my head, told a pack of lies in collaboration with another CNA and went to our executive director. Unfortunately for her, her 10 year of seniority do not trump my RN. While I didn't feel very supported by management, she certainly did not succeed in getting me in any sort of trouble. Due to my conversation with management after she left the room, she may find herself under closer observation by said management. She sure as hell is under closer observation by me and the other nurses. We are keeping close tabs and documentation on problems we see happening with her and another CNA.

I ended up at the doctor's office this morning, where I was weighed again. It's clear that I must do something about my weight and health NOW. Not just for going on vacation, but because I look and feel like crap. My sex drive is affected, my feet are always sore, I already need surgery on the one, and I'm tired all the time. I don't wsnt to do weight watchers again, because I don't feel like they can help me anymore. I know the program but I'm not motivated to use their system. I hate to say it, but the concept of mindful eating has popped into my mind. People are constantly bringing food into work and I just grab a handful of whatever it is. I do the same thing on the way home. Usually I'm so hungry I'll grab something out of the snack machine or do a drivethru.

I'm not sure how to start again, but I am thinking on it. The first step is the mindful eating. Step two is planning for the hardest areas, such as the drive from work and while at work. It's not too hard to have decent food at home--it's the other places that are at issue. I know I'll have to log what I eat for a while, and eventually I'll have to start exercising. But exercise at my current weight is really freakin' hard. I will need to see some scale progress before I can start exercising again.

Back to square one.

Where's my mojo?

I keep wondering where I've gone. I haven't regretted stopping therapy a few years ago, and I think I have better body image than ever, but I'm as fat as I ever was at my highest weight, working more hours in a physically, mentally, and emotionally demanding job. And I've been getting sick. A lot. And my foot is killing me. It's time to get back to basics...

1. Journaling was the best thing that came out of my therapy. I've said it again and again. Still, at times it's a struggle. It's hard to see my words and feelings written down. It's hard to re-read them. But when I do, it's self-validating. I read it, remember what I was feeling and thinking, and think "that's not so bad!" But then I won't right anything for a while and it ends up coming out as word vomit. Time to do this more, to avoid the word vomit.

2. Self cares: Good points: I've spent about $600 on clothes and shoes this summer. I've spent another $300 or so on self-beautification at the spa. Bad points: I wait too long to do these services. I would be better cared for if I did these things in smaller $$ amounts, on a more regular basis.

3. Church: We've joined a new one, I love it, but I have issues. It forces us to spend more time with MIL, who I love and adore. It chews up a good part of my Sunday and it seems like I'm missing the day somehow. I think there are old issues here re-surfacing in a weird, unhealthy way.

4. Pain issues: I found out this spring that at some point, I really should have reconstructive surgery on my foot. I don't want to. So I'm taking pain killers, which help a lot. My headaches are virtually gone.

5. Family issues: My brother continues, of course, to deteriorate. His wife is a psychotic bitch who told my sister she prays we get huntington's disease. We have no contact. I'm not all that sad, but do wish I could have a united family. One that isn't crazy. So my only real family outside of my marriage is my sister's. I love her dearly and at times wish I lived closer. It would be fun to pop over for dinner, meet up with them and my Dad for lunch, occasionally babysit for her kiddos.

6. Wife and Marriage issues: My poor husband deserves a much better wife. I work a minimum of 40 hours a week, more like 50-60. Add in drive time back and forth and orientation at the hospital and I'm tired. A lot. Which leaves no time for #1 or #2, and even less time for sleep. Which makes me a pretty absent wife. This feeds into all sorts of fears that he'll leave me. I wouldn't blame him a bit.

My garden looks like how I've been feeling, chaotic and full of weeds. Nothing is growing. It's stagnant and so am I. My focus these last months has been to keep our heads (financially) above water and to build my career. I want to advance and learn as many skills as possible. First, to be a better more knowledgeable nurse. Second, because that's just how I am. I want to be the best I can be. While I love working at the LTC/TCU, and I have grown to enjoy my PT home care job, these are the two least respected areas of nursing. Not sure why, but it's true. Neither is easy, but both are considered the bottom rung of the ladder. If my pay was better at the LTC, I would probably be content to stay. However, there is little room to grow and that would eventually cramp my style too. So I found a local hospital that was hiring, and I'm enjoying it. I'm finding myself very different from my preceptors in that they are content in their small-town hospital. One says "I'm a med surg girl through and through." I'm not. I want to learn it all. After going through college once and coming out with a very limited set of skills, I don't want to be limited again...that is also part of my motivation.

The cost has been high, and my personal mojo is gone. My list making, all the things I used to get done in a day--gone. At work, I hate sitting still. I want to be productive and busy. I constantly think about beloved and coming home to him, but once I'm home can barely interact with him. It's enough to just have him near. I need him near, and draw strength from him. But I look at him and have a hard time figuring out where to start or what to say. All I have to talk about is work.

It's taken a toll on my immune system. I'm constantly sick, which affects my sleep, which I desparately need. I used to love to cook and just don't have the energy to do so anymore. So I eat crap and junk. This is not helping my weight or my immune system. I have no energy to work out--so I'm not sleeping well and of course it's affected my weight. The constant sick has affected my weight too.

I want, I want, I want...so many things. I want to take care of my house the way I used to. I want to take care of my garden the way I used to. I want to take care of my husband and myself the way I used to. I want my mojo back so I can work out and play hard, and have fun with my husband again.

I miss myself.

Just a food journal

10/4
McDonald's biscuit-egg-cheese-bacon & hashbrown
Honey nut cheerios/skim milk (2 servings of cereal, one of milk)
Turkey burger
Mixed fruit
Yogurt
coffee/milk
leftover scalloped potato/ham
toast/butter, 2 slices
1/2 cup of cheddar pretzels

10/5
8oz prime rib
french onion soup w/ swiss cheese
broccoli
1/2 large baked potato, 1 butter pat, sour cream
coffee, four creamers
Cold Stone Creamery banana caramel crunch, like it size, 1/3 chocolate dipped waffle cone
6" chicken bacon ranch sub on wheat, with cheese
1 serving bagel chips
cereal (two servings) with skim milk
2 sticks of string cheese

inventory

Today's food totals, in backwards order:

• 4 pieces of cheese pizza, from a large pie
• 2 large pieces of german chocolate cake
• 1 'double' cosmo
• 1/2 ham & cheese sand.
• 1 latte
• 1 handful of pretzels
• 1/2 cup of coffee with cream
• 1 egg
• 1 piece of buttered toast
• 1 sausage patty
• 1 cup of hashbrowns

I have no perspective on the amounts...too much? Probably calorically. Too much volume. Maybe a little bit, but this damn headache has me trying anything I can to ignore it. Aspirin, tylenol, and alcohol...also my neck warmer. It felt good, but it didn't get rid of it 100% of the way.

This week starts the 6th week of classes. I'm almost 1/2 way done with the semester. It's getting easier. The demands/volume of work is still there, but the actual time spent studying is less. School is pretty darn easy for me. I've been keeping track of Big Fat Liar, she missed clincals on Friday. So far, since school has started, she's had her classes cancelled, her financial aid messed up, her son's surgery, her dh's surgery, is recovering from her own surgery, missed a day of LTC clinicals, was late 3 times (at least), her DH had shingles (supposedly in his eye also), he was out of town too, and this created huge problems for her own daycare situation.

Speaking as someone whose life is almost always chaotic, I really don't believer her. She is a major drama mama and constantly looking for attention. Several pat answers do tend to stem the emesis as it flows from her mouth:

-Gee, are you going to die on us today?

-Do we need to send a priest to your house for last rites?

-Gosh, whenever I get overwhelmed with all the chaos in my life, all I have to do is think about yours and I feel better.

Perhaps that last one feeds the monster a little, but it IS a jab at her lying and drama mama act. She's fat too.

Revelations on eating

1. Keeping busy helps.
2. Keeping busy makes me feel productive
3. Keeping busy makes me feel useful, and eases the guilt of beloved working a job he hates for us.
4. Keeping busy is a distraction that makes me forget to eat, which leads to overeating.
5. Cooking/baking doesn't always equal binging. It's very relaxing for me.
6. Preventative stress management MAY be more satisfying than going through my list of stuff to do when stress is high.
7. Scheduling self care when I've been self-sacrificing, self-denial mode (and believing this was virtue) is HARD.
8. Breaking bad habits is a long process.
9. I see some progress, I have been able to STOP eating at times, and I've recognized a binge or two before it gets out of hand.
10. Still don't know what the heck emotional eating means for me.

11. I have dumb stupid guilt for dumb stupid reasons...it's ingrained.
12. It's hard to overcome the concept that "idle hands are the devils work".
13. Women, in general, strive for perfection. Although this might be more prevelent in ED populations, I see it everywhere. And it's hard to *NOT* strive for those standards. It's hard to try not to measure up even when I can see how unrealistic these perfectionist goals are.
14. Dieting news and talk, especially about "great low cal recipes" is no longer a topic of interest for me. It's a bit sad, but I find myself avoiding these conversations now. I wish I didn't want to avoid them, because this sort of talk seems to be all around me (MIL is a little loopy this way) and it makes me feel different.
15. Perfectionism, in terms of diet and exercise, is a demon that needs to be exercised. I tend to feel like a failure when I can't be perfect with either of this, have an 'all or none' attitude, and despite the knowledge that I have this unrealistic expectation of myself I have been unable to conquer this misguided thinking.

Tomorrow I see the therapist again. I really need to make an appointment with the Food Police, but don't feel like there is a point right now. I'm resisting the food management side of things. Until I'm ready to work more actively on it or until I can break down and identify specific problem areas, I think it's a waste of my time. I didn't go to group therapy last week due to the flooding problem. It was the night that we were able to get water restoration in and there was a lot of paperwork to sign.

I do see some small changes in how and what I'm eating. Just going to go slow and take it one day at a time. My perfectionist tendencies are strong in this area. There is a need to find a balance between how much I work on this so I can make progress and spending too much time obsessing, which of course, I don't want to do. If that remotely makes sense. It does in my head, and that's more clarity than I've had regarding eating and weight issues than I've had in a long time.

New Therapist

Therapy sucks!
I guess it means I’m really getting to the heart of the matter. For quite some time, I enjoyed therapy. It meant I was doing something for myself, and I was proud of that fact. Yes, it costs money—but it is tax deductible! I like the ED therapist, and little old consistent me loves the fact that she also does the weekly group. It startled me to realize that I will be seeing her twice a week, at least for awhile. The first thing she asked me today is what I want to be working on. All I could answer was “the eating stuff” because it’s still rather nebulous and vague. It’s just this little food/eating problem I have. Last week I was able to put my finger on the fact that I binge after therapy, and I realized that after my regular therapy-induced emotional purging, the instinct to stuff it all back down with a binge is very, very, very strong. I was asked to come up with alternatives. The problem is the alternatives seem flat, boring, expensive and hard to come up with…it’s supposed to be something caring and nurturing for myself. It seems I’m being asked to learn a foreign language overnight.

I gave her a brief update on me, my life to date, and my eating disorder history. It’s clearer than ever that my habits have been learned. Anger was the only ‘safe’ emotion we could show/express as a family. Sweetums is always so calm, which was both a blessing and not so good for me. Certainly, I appreciate being able to talk and having learned how to share my life and love with someone, I never, ever want to use the sort of hurtful language and behavior that was so characteristic in my family. Yet, I failed to recognize that in my effort to be peaceful and calmly ‘talk things out’, I stuffed a lot of emotions. I did that when my primary mode of communication was yelling too…and thought that sweetum’s way WAS expressing emotions. But I was afraid to say a lot of things, afraid to speak a lot of my fears. That I wasn’t good enough, that he’d leave if he really knew the scary things that went on in my head. That if I told him about some of the things I wanted to do (from entertainment, to lunch, to decorating the house!) he’d laugh at me, or tell me I was stupid. Not one time has he ever done anything to indicate he’d react this way. I based it all on how my family treated me. I self-effaced, and almost always said “I don’t care honey, whatever you want”. When I did say what I wanted, I was always afraid that he wouldn’t like it or would be disappointed (movies, restaurant choices, etc). There were very few areas of exception. Most meals were planned with what I thought he’d like. Books, perhaps, were the exception because I never had to share them if I didn’t want to do so…the few times there were things he didn’t like that I did, I was careful to not bring them up. As far as I was concerned, I already had my answer, therefore, why defend my likes/dislikes? I was sure he’d laugh or make fun of me, as my father and sister had done. I don’t even think I thought about it. I just reacted.

In the last year, I’ve started to do more…and he’s encouraged me. I’m more confident on the choices I make for decorating my house, and I hope some of my personality shows. True, it’s fairly plain and simple, but I don’t like clutter or tons of stuff sitting around. Yet that fact alone is progress. Previously, I was indecisive, worried it would be ugly, and worried my beloved would hate it. I would go into other people's homes and be amazed and envious at what they would do decorating-wise. Sometimes he has to suggest the things I do want (and he knows it) and it makes me love him all the more, because I know he does truly accept me. Again, my own fears created this mess and I am so very grateful to God for providing a man who is patient, sweet, caring, and downright amazing. Even with all of my self-deprecating behaviors, I’ve always felt like we were two halves of a whole. When we first met, it seemed like we were speaking a different, secret language. The kind of language that I had forgotten I knew, and it was only when I heard him speaking it that I could remember it. Just one of the many ways I knew he was "the one".

Weekly group

I hate the whole group thing. Not the group itself but when people say things like "oh, will you be at Group this week?" with a capital G. I'm not sure why it bugs me, other than it feels like bad grammar.

A couple of things were big for me tonight:

1. I binge after therapy, group or otherwise.
2. There is someone I can relate to in this group, our fathers and our relationships with them are very similar. She talked about longing to go home to visit, but anticipating rough emotional waters. I commented that I often feel the same way, but when I leave I still feel that longing. It's for a connection I can't have, even though I'm very close to my sister and her family. Part of it is that I don't have a good connection with my father and part of it is that I miss having family close by. Contridicting those parts is a third part that I'm relieved to live as far away as I do.

3. Another member said she fears that she can't take good care of herself, after all why would she let herself get as big as she is. Man, I could have said that myself. I have some work to do to forgive myself (thought I was done with that) for letting myself get this big. I have to find a way to realize that it was the best I could do at the time to fill the void--dealing with HD, dealing with depression, and dealing with school. The self-trust is hard in coming. There are signs of life...

1. I think I do take better care of myself. Things like buying expensive shampoo/conditioner because I like the smell. Or buying new makeup just to experiment. Or getting a pedicure on the spur of the moment.

2. Recognizing when I slip into negative thought patterns--even if it takes a few days it's still an improvement for me. Understanding that when some days are hard, it's because I still struggle with depression, or feelings in general.

3. Allow myself to feel more, articulating those feelings or at least struggling to articulate them instead of just blocking it our.

4. Understanding how good exercise makes me feel, even if I'm not yet consistant.

5. Sometimes--on rare occasions--looking in the mirror and being happy with what I see. At least from the neck up. Not being afraid to buy nice clothing at a size 16.

6. Lastly, journally and being okay with DH seeing all of this. Stay tuned, dearest Studly man 'o mine! Tomorrow I've got to get a few things about adoption (DS) and infertility off of my chest.

Progress...slow...but getting there. The grief work was easier, and I'm impatient for this to go as quickly. I really don't want to spend the next 10 years in therapy.

Memories and Food

I'm supposed to be journaling my feelings every time I eat. Right. If I knew what the heck I was feeling it would be a little easier. So far, I've discovered a connection between my favorite foods and memories, but is there an emotion connected to that? Who the hell knows. I sure don't. Here's my list so far:

Spaghetti: My all time favorite food: I'm 5 years old, just home from kindergarten and have mom all to myself. She has a bowl of noodles ready for me every day. Emotion???

Apples in Pie form, with cinnamon of course: Any pastry like this is like walking in the front door of my childhood home, with the wood stove going in the winter. The sky is gray, it's windy, and it's usually fall. The cinnamon smell is all through the house. All three kids pounce like starving dogs.

Chili or Chicken noodle soup: Again, a cold day, usually winter. The 'feeling' is one of warmth and soothing.

Chips: Tortilla, potato, etc. It's MINE. No sharing, it's a treat, eat 'em all before anyone else gets a chance. Something we didn't get a lot as kids. Selfish feelings.

McDonald's burgers/fries: A cheap treat so I don't have to cook. Treating myself after working hard and serving other people food all day or night. A throwback to my waitressing days. Responsible for about 25-30 extra pounds. I deserve a break today.

Eating out: I've earned it, I deserve to have people take care of me. The ultimate combination of pleasure at being 'served' and the bonus of spending money for stress relief.

And now I'm stuck. If I think of more, I'll add them. I've managed to exercise 5 times in the last 8 days, plus I've started to practice Yoga. I understand now why it's called a "practice". The moves are hard and take, well, practice. The second day, after I had stopped, I just watched the video for awhile and just for a split second there was a new feeling. Normally, when I can't get through an exercise routine, I punish myself. I tell myself what a worthless lump of crap I am, how I'm letting myself down, if I wouldn't have quit the other 10,000 times I'd be able to do the whole routine. Ad nausem. This time, I watched the women in the video with fascination. The thought crossed my mind that this was a challenge--I could use my body and push it to accomplish a goal. I could find out how far I could go, what my limits would be. And then it was gone. I'm searching for that feeling.