Speaking of drama mamas, DS has been a class act in this regard. I'm sick and tired of it. Teenagers are so hard, if I was this hard on my parents I owe them a huge apology. In addition to being unemployed, he's now decided he's too good for the golden arches. Even though he's mom worked there, he's decided it's just not for him. He can't handle the thought of it now that has had a "real" job. Oh yeah, the one he got fired from. It amazes me the lack of cause and effect thinking. Couldn't do the work = fired. They called him back and offered him a lesser position but pride prevented him from taking it. He's hoping to get a job through his non-dating girlfriend. Despite the fact that McDonald's hired him, he's just not willing to work for minimum wage now.
In addition to his workplace snobbery, he's decided that DH and I are "ruining his life" for doing foster care. He had a huge fight this week with one of the boys, after trying to kick another kid out of the house. I really don't care about the other kid getting kicked out by DS, I do care about the fight AND getting blamed for his inability to get along with others. DS's problems with peer relationships, and his lack of tolerance for anyone who doesn't have the exact same opinions, likes, and dislikes as him is becoming an obvious life obstacle for him.
He's claiming depression, perhaps that's true too but he's using it as a crutch. In otherwords, medication, therapy, and/or talking to DH or myself is not an option for him. He will open up to us occasionally, but not enough to make an impact on depression issues. This quarter his grades will be fine, by Christmas they'll take a nose dive and he'll blame seasonal depression as the reason why.
I haven't noticed, but I should talk to beloved and see if we've had these sort of problems around his birthday before. I'm just wondering if there is grief/loss that's triggered by his birthday each year. Totally normal, but he's got to learn to process it in a healthy way. All I'm able to offer is irritation at an unjustified attack. He has the skills and tools to do better--but it's more work, therefore unlikely to be used unless pushed to do so.
Showing posts with label Adoption/kids. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Adoption/kids. Show all posts
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Sunday, August 26, 2007
I kept very busy most of this weekend. School starts on Tuesday, woohoo! We had a wonderful break from the RADish, who seemed to have a good weekend as well. The family he was with was strict, but it sounded like he still had an okay time. He admitted that he was "almost glad to see us" when we picked him up. What a wonderful thing for him to say. It's akin to watching monkeys use tools for the first time.
He seemed to swing back and forth between being glad to see us and being mad at us for "getting rid of him". Several times, he seemed to being trying to trick us into admitting this. He said he's "not that bad" so he didn't know why we'd want to send him away. I think I'll make a list of grievances.
He refuses to pick up after himself.
He uses vulgar language
He's arguementative
He's hostile
He's rude to the animals
He is rude and nasty to everyone in the house
He's a slob
He won't clean his room
He won't do his laundry on a regular basis
He uses us--we provide a few vital services and that's it
He negotiates every part of his life
He refuses to engage us in a reciprocal relationship
This last one is not really an irritant, it's something to be pitied. Since he won't give and always takes, he never becomes vulnerable enough to have emotional ties of any significance with anyone. That is heartbreaking. However, all I can muster up these days is pity, at the very most. To say it's not easy to live with someone like this is an understatement. Often it's like living in a war zone. Always on guard, rarely able to relax. Always making sure everything within the war zone is secured, locked, and under surveillance. Not a good way to live
He seemed to swing back and forth between being glad to see us and being mad at us for "getting rid of him". Several times, he seemed to being trying to trick us into admitting this. He said he's "not that bad" so he didn't know why we'd want to send him away. I think I'll make a list of grievances.
He refuses to pick up after himself.
He uses vulgar language
He's arguementative
He's hostile
He's rude to the animals
He is rude and nasty to everyone in the house
He's a slob
He won't clean his room
He won't do his laundry on a regular basis
He uses us--we provide a few vital services and that's it
He negotiates every part of his life
He refuses to engage us in a reciprocal relationship
This last one is not really an irritant, it's something to be pitied. Since he won't give and always takes, he never becomes vulnerable enough to have emotional ties of any significance with anyone. That is heartbreaking. However, all I can muster up these days is pity, at the very most. To say it's not easy to live with someone like this is an understatement. Often it's like living in a war zone. Always on guard, rarely able to relax. Always making sure everything within the war zone is secured, locked, and under surveillance. Not a good way to live
Sunday, August 19, 2007
The Big D and Accountability
Yesterday morning I woke up to a phone call from a former foster child. He was without question, the most difficult child we've ever had. The bag of trouble he dragged with him was sad, his past was horrifying, and he's chosen not to do anything about it. He was asking us for a ride to a wedding. We haven't seen him since he left our home in late 2004. Yet he felt it was acceptable to call us for a ride! That just speaks to his level of mental instability. He left our home under pretty sad circumstances--we kicked him out. So unlike beloved's Big D, mine is not diabetes.
Since my meltdown in front of our social worker, I seem to have found a new strength. Somehow, it was renewing for me to get it all out to someone other than beloved. He's sitting in this stew with me, and we need someone who is trying to do SOMETHING to help us and the kids. I don't feel like we'll see a lot of action, but I made my voice heard in there is power in that fact.
The boys are unhappy with the level of accountibility we are expecting. The 18 year old has been asked to be left alone for the rest of the night, because we made him help with dishes even though he did them four days ago. The horror! He even tried to pout because DS has not done them in that amount of time either. He was unhappy with the response that we just didn't care. The radish was looking for a phone number and since I took his phone away, he can't just hit one button. Of course, this is MY fault for taking the phone away, since he can't be expected to pay his phone bill on time every month.
Over and over the radish has asked me why I'm doing this NOW. In a way, it is a good question. I was beaten into submission for awhile, just too tired to parent him the way he needs to facilitate accountability. I don't expect healing without professional help in our home. That seemed to be my problem. We don't have adequate professional help because his SW doesn't believe in his condition. She logically can see his problems, but feels conventional methods will work. Even though they never have. This in turn caused my frustration, anger, and feelings of impotence. What was the point of me working so hard when there was no chance of decent therapy to support him or us?
Since my meltdown in front of our social worker, I seem to have found a new strength. Somehow, it was renewing for me to get it all out to someone other than beloved. He's sitting in this stew with me, and we need someone who is trying to do SOMETHING to help us and the kids. I don't feel like we'll see a lot of action, but I made my voice heard in there is power in that fact.
The boys are unhappy with the level of accountibility we are expecting. The 18 year old has been asked to be left alone for the rest of the night, because we made him help with dishes even though he did them four days ago. The horror! He even tried to pout because DS has not done them in that amount of time either. He was unhappy with the response that we just didn't care. The radish was looking for a phone number and since I took his phone away, he can't just hit one button. Of course, this is MY fault for taking the phone away, since he can't be expected to pay his phone bill on time every month.
Over and over the radish has asked me why I'm doing this NOW. In a way, it is a good question. I was beaten into submission for awhile, just too tired to parent him the way he needs to facilitate accountability. I don't expect healing without professional help in our home. That seemed to be my problem. We don't have adequate professional help because his SW doesn't believe in his condition. She logically can see his problems, but feels conventional methods will work. Even though they never have. This in turn caused my frustration, anger, and feelings of impotence. What was the point of me working so hard when there was no chance of decent therapy to support him or us?
Friday, August 17, 2007
Pathetic
DS us angry at me for telling the truth. I told his bmom about calling me a bitch, and now he's trying to say he's not the one who said it, and that what he actually said was "She's not usually like this". I can only speculate, but it seems that he doesn't like this reflection. He did the typical teenager thing to me "how dare you eavesdrop!" um, sweetie you were in the living room, how is that eavesdropping?
The 18 year old got fired, what a shock. Apathy is the word that springs to mind over and over. He's just so afraid of life. He keeps saying he wants to work more, but puts all of the responsibility on me or beloved to do all the work for him in getting a better job. Dinner tonight, for example. He said he was hungry but asked me what I was making for dinner. I wasn't finished working outside, so I told him nothing--but he was free to make whatever he wanted. When everyone else got home I made hamburgers, and he decided he wasn't actually hungrey before (doesn't remember saying he was, perhaps?) but he wolfed down two burgers. I didn't ask, but he also didn't offer to help me finish in the yard sooner so that I could make dinner sooner. He ate a handful of bread, with nothing on it, for lunch. For breakfast, he waited until the banana bread was finished baking and ate some of that. In otherwords, he didn't life a single finger all day to do anything for himself. He's paralyzed by the mere act of living.
The 18 year old got fired, what a shock. Apathy is the word that springs to mind over and over. He's just so afraid of life. He keeps saying he wants to work more, but puts all of the responsibility on me or beloved to do all the work for him in getting a better job. Dinner tonight, for example. He said he was hungry but asked me what I was making for dinner. I wasn't finished working outside, so I told him nothing--but he was free to make whatever he wanted. When everyone else got home I made hamburgers, and he decided he wasn't actually hungrey before (doesn't remember saying he was, perhaps?) but he wolfed down two burgers. I didn't ask, but he also didn't offer to help me finish in the yard sooner so that I could make dinner sooner. He ate a handful of bread, with nothing on it, for lunch. For breakfast, he waited until the banana bread was finished baking and ate some of that. In otherwords, he didn't life a single finger all day to do anything for himself. He's paralyzed by the mere act of living.
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