The RADish Strikes Back

DS's biomom stopped over this weekend, in tears. She had a huge fight with him, and he wanted to be dropped off back in our hometown. She stopped over to warn us he's back in the area. Me? I want to yell "I told you so!" Her? Devastated and feeling rejected. Him? No clue where he actually is at the moment.

Just before Christmas, he moved back in with her. Fine by us. We had lowered our expectations dramatically and were happy that we got him to 18. He was alive, had a diploma coming, and was not in prison. This was enough for us. Did I want more for my child? Of course, but this was a RADish we were talking about. What I really want for him is a future that included being happy, having a job, and being a meaningful member of society. He does not want the same thing.

Several weeks ago, we received a message on FB "just so you know, the grass is not greener over here". It was from biomom, and we were not one bit surprised that he was unhappy with her. He had taken himself along, of course. While he spent years trying to convince himself that school, biofamily, and DH and I were the real problem, he was shocked to find out that life's issues did not disappear when he changed addresses.

DH spent a bit of time trying to convince biomom that she did the right thing. DS is going to have to bounce around for a while until he realizes that he has to be accountable for his actions. I wish he was the kind of kid who did not have to learn everything the hard way. DH and I learned early on though, that anytime DS did not work for things, they were meaningless. Unfortunately, he's also had times when this did not work either--usually in a fit of rage that resulted in 90% of his things broken, damage to walls, and sullen silence.

DH and I are considering changing all the locks in the house. We can't let him back in this house. I can't exchange the peace I have for the chaos he prefers.

Quitters never win

After just two days, DS quit football because it was too hard. After a week, in which he didn’t practice b/c of a hyper-flexed wrist that was casted for three days, the 18 year old quit too. I spent $85 on each of them for shirts, equipment, etc, plus another $35 on each of them for shoes. DS is well aware of the fact that he has to pay me back, and I took the money out of his savings. The 18 year old will have to do the same. I even bought a football support card, as part of their fundraiser. At least I’ll get two dollars off my haircut tomorrow.

Rambling thoughts

Not starting out to be a good day. Sweetums had insulin problems during the night, and was up until after 7 trying to just feel better. He's totally lethargic now, poor thing. Radish had to work this morning and total creep that I am, I asked sweetums to take him. I just can't stand being around him right now. He brings out the worst in me, it's horrible. I think I need a Nancy Thomas refresher, I need something to refresh me.

I'm really, really, really getting frustrated with DS's biomom making plans with him, not mentioning it to us, and hearing "oh by the way, I'm going with my mom today." She never used to do this, and I'm getting the feeling it's a subtle manipulation (or not so subtle) since we no longer have a 'friendship' with her.

I used to think all adoptions were just fuzzy feel good types of things. There is so much more pain involved than that, on both sides. We are not called mom or day. At times, I don't feel like his mom; at other times it wells up in me and I'd do anything to keep him safe. The worst part is, she's always been the biggest source of pain in his life. The truth is, without our willingness to learn how to parent him the way he needs, DS would on a very dangerous road. She refuses to give us credit for that. I doubt she has the ability.

I'm curious what the response will be at his graduation from high school. He'll have senior pictures, a cap/gown, invitations, etc. I wonder how she'll react to our families (well, sweetums, I know mine won't show up) and hers intermingling. I don't begrudge her inability to provide material things for her daughter...I'm curious as a bystnader to part of this what her thoughts/feelings will be. I'm curious to her reaction when his name is called during the ceremony, with our name in it too.

I doubt she realizes the pain that we've gone through. Not only are we not mom/dad, we didn't even get to name him, we just have our name added. Some days these are really sour grapes for me. Most days though I just marvel at how far we've managed to come with him. If nothing else, it has soldified my feelings that I never, ever want to do a domestic adoption. I'm not even sure if I'd want to adopt from foster care again. The Dave Thomas Foundation can argue the merits all they want, but most SW don't adequately prepare parents for the task--nor are they honest in domestic adoptions either. The play down the biofamily's turmoil, as if a few sessions of 'counseling' will make everything okay. Most adoptive parents I've talked to say it's not the happy joy-joy occasion they had hoped for. It's actually a heartwrenching day full of fear--will they, after years of IF and lost babies, lose yet another one? So...if we do adopt again, it'll be international. I know those mothers grieve their lost children just as much, but hypocrite that I am, won't have to deal with it in my face.